Where are You Now?

To the first one I madly fell for,
Who I thought I really loved,
Where are you now?
Cause I’m thinking of you.

lookingback

Our high school reunion is coming up fast and in a whirlwind of memories and emotions. The latter to which I thought I had thrown away, but alas I am only human and no matter what, am stuck with these faulty things called feelings.

It’s been 11 years, are still okay? I sometimes wonder and even slightly worry about your well being since I knew how destructive you were to yourself. I hope that you’re happy and are okay wherever you are. Back then, I thought I could’ve saved you and made and given you a better life (in terms of happiness). I really and truly believed that we could’ve came out unscathed. I survived on the sliver of good times that you occasionally  showed when you smiled or held my hand, but in reality majority of our time together was swallowed by drugs, alcohol, ugly words and where emotional abuse was the highlight of our time together. I don’t know if you saw it. Yet still, I thought those small doses of kindness that you’d show would be our saving grace… Instead, everything erupted in flames and it felt like being sent to hell. You were like the god of calamity walking about this earth in real life, destruction and pain being your specialty. I didn’t have the courage to tell you then, but you ruined me.

You crushed me, you took my godforsaken heart and ripped it to pieces and what hurt even more was that one of my best friends were in on it. I felt betrayed and lied to. How can my best friend stoop so low and if a best friend can stoop so low, what’s the point? Wouldn’t the rest of humanity do worse then? I fell so deep into the hell hole that for a moment in my 17 years of a short life, I wanted to end my life. I cried. I cried at home, cried at school, cried in the shower. Waking up every day began to feel meaningless and there was no motivation or interest for anything in my life, I felt like a walking corpse. I started physically abusing myself so that I could focus on the physical pain rather than the emotional one.

You have to realize that being a teenager, I was at the most vulnerable and emotional phase of my life. Everything was just exponentially worse and it felt like the end of the world because… I loved you. I loved you so that I was willing to destroy myself in the process to save you. Maybe I should’ve told you.

But… Thankfully I survived, it was a long and hard battle and I won (am so grateful to the teachers and guidance counselor that guided and fought with me). But… I am also grateful for you. Because of you, I am who I am now.

You showed me how,
how to live like I do
If it wasn’t for you
I would never be who I am.

11 years later, I don’t have or waste time for nonsense. I don’t tolerate stupidity or half-assedness. I say what I feel and think out loud. I see what I want, I get what I want. I don’t give a fuck to most of society, only those that really matter. Call it thinning the herd. Give less fucks, you’ll get hurt less. I have more courage and confidence when facing my foes. Most all, I don’t have time for bullshit. I grew layers and layers of skin so thick that I actually have a hard time comprehending emotional situations now. You taught me all that and I love the present me more than I had before.

I’m living a pretty amazing life now, even if I’m not filthy rich or anything, but I’m with the love of my life with awesome friends, I have a job and a home, I’m traveling and experiencing things I never thought possible way back when. You unknowingly made me stronger. By fighting for myself and my happiness, you made me realize that my survival and bliss came first before anyone else’s. You taught me self-love.

That part of my life was wrought with dark and angry times, and I am never letting that happen again.

And things will never be that way again
But that’s just how it goes,
People change,
But I know
I wont forget you

I remember the last time I saw you out of the blue, you had coincidentally walked into my workplace with your then current girlfriend (out of shock, I actually spent the first 10 minutes hiding from you). You seemed all right but wherever you are now, I really do hope that you’re happy and content. Even amongst the grief, the small happy moments we had was an adventure. Life is too short to take for granted and live mundanely, at least… You knew that.

Even if I wanted to forget you, it’s impossible. “When you fall in love with somebody at a young age, that kind of thing still sort of lingers with you for a long time.”

I really wanted to get these things off my chest, things I wanted to tell you directly, but what are the chances of bumping into you accidentally again (probability would honestly still be higher than winning the lottery probably hahaha)? But the off chance we did run into each other again– I’d definitely cunt punch you first but I’d also make sure to thank you for teaching me a life lesson of loving myself first… So, thanks. 🙂

If it wasn’t for you
I would never be who I am
Where are you now?

 

 

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