I’ve always been very organized and plan oriented. I like structure and steps so I can accomplish things the most efficient way. I remember when I was in middle school, I even had life schedule laid out in my mind. I would get into a prestigious art school, graduate from said prestigious art school at 22 years old, focus on my career from 22 to 25, save up money to purchase a house between 25 to 28 then have children and raise a family at 28 because it was healthier to bear children in the 20s (of course early 20s is out of the questions because career and ambition comes first for me).
For the record, nothing went according to plan because life is unpredictable mostly because living in a society built on on fluctuating economy makes doing things a little difficult, but I digress (a story for another time). I was still able to accomplish most of the steps in my life plan, albeit not in the way and method I wanted to. Now the only step left is the last step. When I had started with this plan I had only put that last step there because as a society we were taught and ingrained with the thought that that was what females do in life: have kids, create and nurture families. They took care of stuff at home. It wasn’t even because I wanted kids, it was because it was expected of us.
I never had any feelings of ever wanting children in my life, apparently something people assume all humans with the XX chromosome wants and daydreams about. Well, I never had any of those thoughts or wishes and the older I got the world expanded more allowing more options for women and the more I observed other adults with kids, the more I realized I REALLY didn’t want to have kids. Just being in college I started to realize how much money my parents used on myself and my siblings’ education alone. I calculated education, now approximate food consumption and vacations we took, utility bills, etc., now multiply that by three (for three kids) for 18+ years and I got a rough amount and MAN was having kids expensive. Why would I want to spend that much money on another person when I can spend that money on myself? Do you know how many motorcycle parts I can buy with that money? BILLIONS.
The biggest confirmation of a definite no was when I was attending my boyfriend’s brother’s daughter’s 2nd birthday event and everyone with kids were invited of course. I was sitting there nibbling on a bowl of fruits observing people and what I saw felt so tragic. Half the kids were screaming and throwing a tantrum, some were bawling for reasons unknown to me. Most of the parents looked haggard and exhausted, their skin a greyish hue and blotchy paired with bags under their eyes while they tried to appease their crying children. The kids were only 2-3 years old and already the parents looked like they’ve aged 10 times and over. When was the last time they had time to themselves? When was the last time they had peace and quiet? Why weren’t the kids listening to their parents? Where are the kids’ manners?
It was like watching the kids sucking the life out of them. Every motion and word that slipped out of their lips to try and calm their kids took a little bit of their soul, their sanity, their freedom, their individuality. It was very similar to watching a dementor suck a human’s soul out. Alive, but dead on the inside… And this goes on for 18 years. Dear Lucifer save us all… It was terrifying to watch them. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to go near anywhere that inhibits that kind of soul sucking expression. Not to mention you have to raise them to make sure they don’t turn into entitled little shit shows because they are they are the future (not that the current world is any better). It’s more pressure and effort than I would like. Why spend all that time and effort on someone for so long when I can focus that time on myself and make myself better.
Have you seen a vagina stretch when females give birth? I’m gagging just thinking about it. I don’t want to experience that pain for the sake of an offspring. I don’t want to voluntarily destroy (vagina stretching, c-sections, etc.) my body for the sake of a child. I don’t want to lose sleep because my offspring is crying, I don’t want to change diapers because my offspring shit themselves, I especially don’t to spend time, effort and money on my offspring. I don’t find any of that worth sacrificing and giving to an offspring. All those are mine and mine alone. I love the time I have to myself, I love that I can go after my ambitions and career, and I love the time I have being able to be with my significant other, all of this with no worries of an offspring in our lives and I want to continue spending time just the two of us for the rest of our lives. I have plans and dreams to chase after.
I get it, some people find that stuff worth it, those experiences are gold for them– but not me and please understand that there is more than one perspective to this talk in the world.
People then proceed to call me “selfish”, so what if I’m selfish? My life, not yours. I’m not here for you or them, I live for myself, I’m #1 in my book and my survival and needs comes first. Whatever happened to self-love and what is SO wrong with loving yourself first? How do you properly help someone else if you can’t even take care of yourself first?
The best incidences to this debate are when people will assume I’m going to change my mind as if they know me better than me. Especially when men tell me: “oh you’re definitely going to change your mind. I didn’t want to be a father… Etc.” Excuse me? Are YOU my fucking vagina and uterus? I didn’t think so, so shut the fuck up. Then there are women that gets SO OFFENDED when I say I don’t want children and expect me to apologize. Wait a second… How is MY BODY relevant to you again? And why THE FUCK do I have to APOLOGIZE?
Closest to home is recalling one of the girl cousins from my mom’s side telling me when she got pregnant on accident: “The day you’re my age (she got knocked up at 25 y/o by the way)– you’ll understand why women [I] want to bear children and you’d want one too” as if she was trying to find an excuse to justify the accident and pull me into the same boat. Well… I’m almost 27 and I don’t feel anything.
Don’t ever assume you know me. You don’t. As a friend stated once, “Shit like this is a big decision and not something that people just change [their mind] on a whim.”
Everyone has their choice. This is mine so stop questioning me like I’m a lunatic just because I don’t want to have kids and just because I don’t want kids doesn’t make me any less of a woman.